I arrived last night from Puerto Rico, and never have I been so sad of leaving that island. To know I was on my way over to Orlando -going home- made it real for me, drowning out the numbness. Like waking up from a bad dream, only… it's not.

I was strong for my family, maybe even to a fault. I've never felt such sadness in my soul. Hardly slept, ate very little. I held my dad up every time it seemed his legs would give way underneath the heaviness in his heart; was his shoulder to cry on, was his pillar (I hope) holding up his heaven above when I think he thought it would come crashing down on him --this big chunk of his world falling apart; was there for him during his time of deep grief. I’m so sorry for my dad, for his loss… I miss my daddy.

My many aunts and uncles requested I copy them on the poem I wrote. Yes, they all read it, and had I been brave enough, I’d have read it to everyone at the cemetery. I’m like that sometimes, not so brave. I did go see where my grandma was buried, just as they had finished putting her in the ground. Her space is covered with flowers –so many flowers- I could lie next to them and be covered, too.

Last night, I broke down. My kids came running my way at the airport, crying they’d missed me so much. I missed them immensely. I don’t think they were ready or even expected to see me in such despair. I certainly didn’t see it coming. Today, it’s like the earth underneath my feet has been shaken. I’m crashing, deep and hard. I know, it’s a process.

Thanks to all of you who posted kind words for me and my family in the comments, and to those of you who emailed as well. Your words are a balm for my heart, and continue to soothe my soul.